Book Of Midnight Secrets
by ImpenetrableMelencholia
Summary: The Midnight Crew has numerous secrets that they keep hidden. Luckily I wrote their crazy stories and shenanigans all down. (NOW REQUESTING HEAD-CANONS)
1. Cartoons

"Clubs, What da fuckin' hell are ya' watchin'?", Spades says as he enters the entertainment room and sees Clubs watching some sort of cartoon. He was always the weird one.

"My favorite show!", Clubs says with a huge smile as he takes a handful of buttery popcorn from the big bowl in his lap and shoves the snacks in his mouth. "Shh! This is the best part!", Clubs says as he quickly turns to Spades and then back to the television in excitement.

"What letter does the word apple begin with?", some kind of cartoon superhero says on the TV.

"A! It's A!", Clubs says as he points to the screen in exhilaration.

"Apple begins with the letter A!", The cartoon superhero on the television says and Clubs let's out a sudden burst of happiness.

"YIPEE!", He yelled as he threw his hands in the air, spilling some popcorn out of the bowl in the process. "You want to know how I figured it out Spades? Do ya?"

"Gee, I dunno! Maybe because it's simple literary skills babies in their stupid fucking poopy diapers can accomplish!", Spades says. This is absolutely ridiculous. His favorite show was on and Clubs was over here watching baby cartoons.

"Nope!", Clubs says completely naive to the sense of harshness indicated in the others tone. "I already watched this episode so I already know the answers!", Clubs says outloud in pride as if he were a genius for figuring out this level one concept.

"Alright I had enough of this bullshit!", Spades says as he plops down next to Clubs on the black leather couch and snatches the remote controll off the coffee table and switches it to his favorite channel that was conveniently showing the new episode of his favorite show : 1000 Ways To Die, Gory Edition (Don't look it up by the way I just made it up).

"Now this is stuff mobsters like us should be watchin'!", Spades says with a grin as a woman on the screen was gruesomely being decapitated.

"EEK!", Clubs says as he covers his three-fingered hands over his eyes. Spades looks at him with an expression of absolute confusion. Shouldn't Clubs be used to gory shit like this?

"What da' fuck are you so scared of? You could tell it's fake, the blood looks like ketchup for gods sake.", Spades points out. This wasn't exactly the truth though. The show looked so real but really the decapitation process wasn't scaring Clubs but the man who was decapitating the poor victim.

"T-The guy!", Clubs says as he slowly peels one of his hands off his eye and fidgetily points the man with the chainsaw. "H-He looks spooky scary!". Spades rolls his eyes. The guy didn't look scary to him.

"Spades! What de' hell are ye' showin' Clubs?", None other then Hearts Boxcars says as he enters the room to see a fidgety Clubs and Spades watching some sort of gruesome decapitation taking place on the television screen.

"Im just showin' him some real entertainment unlike that bullshity cartoon crap he was watching!", Spades says in annoyance.

"If ye' should be showin' Clubs anything it should be something else then this.", Hearts says as he sits on the couch, successfully making the three squished together on the couch. Hearts manages to pry the remote out of Spade's hands and switchesit to his favorite channel; wrestling.

"No! Not this shitty crap! It looks even faker then what we were watching before!", Spades whines.

"Fake?! That shit looked almost as if it was real! I wouldn't doubt if it was though..Discovery Channel has been losing viewers lately."

"Whatever! Just give me the damn remote!", Spades says as he tries to get the remote back.

"Never!", Hearts says as he keeps the remote out of Spade's reach. So for the next few minutes Spades and Hearts fight over the remote while Clubs is in the middle attempting to try and enjoy whatever stuff was on TV but Clubs just wanted to watch the Super Brainman marathon. He was already starting to remember the alphabet up to the letter E and he wanted to learn more.

"Fuck!", Spades and Hearts cursed which was followed by the sound of glass shattering.

The new vase that Diamonds had just put on the coffee table three days before was now on the floor, shattered in pieces. The three stayed quiet as the heard the door assumingly from Diamonds room open and the sounds of footsteps slowly walking down the stairs.

"Fuck! Fuck! Hide the mess!", Spades says in a loud whisper as he hurriedly gathers all the glass pieces and sweeps the under the couch. Hearts and Clubs follow suit, nobody in their right mind should make Diamonds mad.

The three managed to hide all the fragments of the vase under the couch and they all sat on the couch and while Spades and Hearts were so distracted with the slow sound of the footsteps, Clubs took this as an opportunity to change the channel back to his beloved cartoon.

"What was that noise?", Diamonds asked in his same monotone voice with a cigarette in his mouth.

"Nothing!", Both Hearts and Spades say at the same time. Diamonds narrows his eyes a bit in suspicion and smoothly walks towards the three.

"Are you guys seriously watching this? I understand Clubs watching this but...", Diamonds says as he looks at Hearts and Spades.

"Huh?", Spades says as he looks to the television and notices that Clubs had changed the channel.

"GOD DAMMIT CLUBS!"

"Don't turn it back to that crap turn it to the wrestling channel!"

"But I don't know what comes after E!"

"...Where's the vase?"

**There you go. First part of this series. For people who are wondering about why I deleted my other profile..let's just say Pen over reacted. I'm just a lone wolf now apparently and I am taking requests for this new series. Share your head canons and if I like them I might make a story out of it. Only Midnight Crew head canons please but if you wish for a Felt one then I'll make it. Oh and please no flames.**

**This chapters headcanon suggested by: BloodyBonesBenson**

_**"Hey good idea! Here I got a headcanon! Clubs likes to watch those kids cartoons like on PBS, Spades likes to watch gory and gruesome stuff and Hearts likes to watch Wrestling. Not sure what Diamonds would like to watch though.."**_

**I do not own Homestuck,Midnight Crew, or Discovery Channel**


	2. Shipping

He goes into his room and closes his door behind him. He knew that it was safe to do his activity now due to the volacity that his colleagues were out and he had the house to himself. His colleagues were out and about currently which left him plenty of time to get down to work. (One was out going to the park, the other was getting cigarettes, and the other was stocking up on some more licorice candy.) He sat in his desk and turns on the desk lamp. He always did serious business here.

He got out his pencil and sharpened it until the point was sharp enough to stab people..except he wasn't going to stab people today. Ok maybe he was but that was for later when the crew was going out at midnight.

He opened his desk drawer and pulled out his trusty five-hundred page notebook, someone like him had to have at least five-hundred pages to work with. He was a professional at his 'hobby' as he refers to. With a pencil in his hand and his notebook opened to a certain page he continued writing where he left off last time.

_"Monday_

_12:00 PM : Today the two of my colleagues acted out suggestible behavior that would be referred to the two of them being in the 'kismesis' quadrant. Spades was complaining about how bad the breakfast tasted but it tasted good to me. I stated my opinion and Spades replied with 'Everything tastes fuckin' good to ya'!". I believe that he was just trying to call out attention to Diamonds and get him to notice him._

_Diamonds responded with "Go fuck yourself"_

_Gosh the romance blossoms between these two._

_1:00 PM: While clubs was talking about how he wanted this new candy bar my attention was focused to Spades and Diamonds. Spades was attempting to reach his favorite type of wine that he always drinked. It was to high up and he couldn't reach on it his own so Diamonds got it for him. Spades responded to this act with a 'go fuck yourself'. I saw Diamonds smirk at the response. Will these two just kiss already?_

_3:00 PM: The two of them were sitting on the couch together. Diamonds was reading his newspaper and Spades was watching a documentary of serial killers or something. They both almost held hands. Maybe I should try and get them together or would that be to much? Hmm.. Perhaps maybe we could go to a restaurant and then Clubs can pretend to be sick and I'll pretend to bring him back to the house but really we would be spying on them. Maybe they'll admit their feelings for each other if we make them believe they have some privacy? I shall discuss this idea with Clubs, I wonder if he also ships this completely obvious ship. Does he even know what the term shipping means? The hell if I know._

_I believe that is it for today._

_-Hearts Boxcars_

He closes his notebook and puts it back to the drawer with a nod of approval. That should do for today. This is the ship he has been keeping track of for a while now. It was his OTP as you would call it and he shipped it so match that almost half of the notebook was dedicated to it. Of course he ships other people also but he mainly focuses on Spades and Diamonds.

He puts the pencil back in it's rightful spot and leaves the room to go make a sandwich.

**No dialogue in this one today. I actually love the idea of Hearts being a shipper and hoped that someone would recommend this headcanon. I also think that he ships SS/DD. Did I over exaggerate it? Yup. Remember to keep your headcanons coming and I might make a chapter of it.**

**Today's headcanon was suggested by BloodyBonesBenson and KilTheCreep**

_**'XD Wow thanks! I got another headcanon if that's ok: Heart's OTP is SS/DD :3'**_

_**'-Hearts secretly ships people and has a shipping journal'**_

**I do not own Homestuck or The Midnight Crew.**


	3. Poker King

"I win again!", Clubs says as he throws his hand down. He had a high card hand...again.

"God fucking dammit!", Spades says in absolute rage as he throws his hand which was a straight-flush down and Diamonds just sighs and takes out a cigarette and smokes contently on it.

"Yipee!", Clubs says as he literally bounces up and down on his chair in pure happiness. "I'm starting to like this game!"

"Just shut da' fuck up and take your god damn cookies!", Spades says and Clubs nods with a silly grin on his face as he takes the chocolate chip cookies in the middle of the table. They ran out of poker chips a long time ago so they just replaced them with cookies hoping that Clubs wouldn't notice but honestly Clubs didn't care, if anything he thought that cookies were much better then poker chips. He honestly didn't even know what poker chips were used for.

"There goes another box of cookies..", Hearts mumbles in despair. He actually perceived that he would've won that time but there's no telling with this little guy.

"Welp, I'm going to go watch the new episode of Mathematical Superhero!", As he walks out of the room happily with his newly owned bowl of cookies in his hands. The rest of the crew just watches as he walks away. No matter how many times it happens, they still just can't believe that the innocent little Clubs is the best poker player out of all of them.

**This headcanon was suggested by Reqpqarx:**

_**Wow this is so great xD What do you mean headcanon that's totally canon Hearts Boxcar. Headcanon: Everyone is terrible at poker except Clubs, the innocent cartoon-watching mastermind. Ooh, when do we get to see Kyle?**_

**Huh, who ever knew that little guy was so good at playing poker? Gosh he's such an adorable little rascal. Sorry for this short chapter but I couldn't think of a way to make it longer. Make sure to review your headcanons.**

**I do not own Homestuck or the Midnight Crew.**


	4. Fuck-Ups

Diamonds flipped to another page of his newspaper, deeply interested of the contents contained on the pages. He already had his day off planned out, he would sit here and read his newspaper and then go-

"FUCK! What do you mean?!"

Scratch that, he might not be doing anything remotely near to relaxing anymore. Diamonds sets his newspaper neatly on the coffee table and then quietly moves towards the kitchen where he heard the yelling. He peaks in inside stealthily and sees that Spades was having a conversation over the phone. He seemed oddly distressed and nervous about something.

"I don't owe ya' dipshits shit!", Spades says with a growl.

"Are we playing spies Diamonds? Can I play to? Pretty please?", Clubs suddenly says inconveniently loudly. You didn't even notice him come behind you. Spades immediately notices you and Clubs nears the doorway and whispers something incoherent into the phone and slams it back in the receiver (it's one of those old fashioned phones.)

"What da' hell do ya' guys want?!", Spades asks with a tone of anger, well more anger than usual.

"I'm sorry Spades! I just saw Diamonds and thought that he was playing spies and-"

"Diamonds?! Did you hear anything?", He asks rudely interrupting Clubs andd Diamonds calmly shakes his head in response. He then notices Spades let out an almost unnoticeable sigh of relief. Something was obviously going on.

"Good.", He says. "Now both of ya' get the hell out of here and go enjoy you're day off or somethin'. I got work to do so don't bother me.", Spades says as he stomps out of the kitchen but before he's completely out he turns around quickly and says "Oh yeah..don't go out alone right now and try not to really go out at all."

"Can I go to the park?", Clubs asks innocently. "Fine but just make sure Hearts or Diamonds take ya' today". Spades then leaves without another word.

"Diamonds?..", Clubs says as he looks up at you. "Can you take me to the park?"

"Go ask Hearts, I got work to do.", Diamonds as he walks out of the house. He had enough information he needed.

He starts strolling down the mostly empty sidewalk It was a fairly nice day, the sun was out and the temperature was at a reasonable seventy-five degrees farenheit but that didn't matter to Diamonds right now he had business to take care of. He carefully looks around. No one..yet.

He then continues walking. Judging by how worried Spades was someone should be coming any minute. It had to definitely more then five people to upset Spades and they had to be pretty strong or just convince Spades that they were strong. It wouldn't be the first time Spades fell for something someone says.

"Hello! You're boss owes us a little hefty fee. So why don't you just come along with me willingly.", You hear a voice behind you and you could feel the cold and rough metal pushed against the back of your head. Bingo.

You calmly take this life threatening situation as an opportunity to light a cigarette and inhale and exhale the smoke slowly. The person behind you is absolutely baffled at this strange behavior. People would usually be scared when they have a firearm pointed at them but your smooth behavior was totally unnatural to the poor guy. He knew you must mean serious business.

"I can't ", Diamonds says.

"Why not?"

"Because you're about to die."

"Wha-", The person is knocked backwards by Diamonds who pulled out is hefty cuestick and his skull is repeatedly bashed by the stick. The person's screams soon die out out as the person is now an unreconizable bloody mess

"So when are you guys supposed to come out?", Diamonds says as he calmly turns to the bushes when he can sense five more people hiding.

"Dammit!", One of them said.

"Shut the fuck up!"

"No use anymore..you guys gave us away."

The five people revealed themselves. They were more people dressed in a blue uniform.

"Hello.", One of them says. This one was obviously the leader due to him having the most advanced uniform out of the other four.

"So what did he do this time?", Diamonds says calmly. This was a routine to him and he would just like to get down to business before his day off is over.

"You see, you're boss has refused to pay for the fifty bags of licorice candy we have given to him. Sooo, if he doesn't pwy then we'll kill you!", The boss says with a smile. Diamonds stares at the boss with his usual monotone stare.

"Heh...so let's just go to my hideout where we can brutally torture you an-", before the poor guy can finish Diamonds starts to repeatedly smash in the guy's face with his cuestick. The other four just stare as you bash his face in until you can see the insides of his brain.

"I believe we are done here.", Diamonds says as he puts his cuestick away like nothing happened. "Right?", He says as he looks to the other four. The other four, still shocked by the sight can only manage to nod, their bodies petrified from fear.

"Good.", Diamonds says as he heads back to the house. He looks at his watch and sees that the predicament just wasted thirty minutes of his time.

He opens the door to the house and looks around. Good, Spades didn't see him. Diamonds sighs and goes back to the couch and presumes to read his newspaper like he didn't just murder two people. Sure, it was his day off but he's always fixing Spade's and even sometimes Club's and Heart's fuck-ups. He took it as his job.

"Hey! You guys can go outside alone now if you want! Apparently this guy and his army of hundreds of people retreat! Must've been scared of my awesomeness!", Spades says with pride.

Because their are A LOT of fuck-ups to fix with this crew.

**There. Made a longer one. This head cannon was suggested by a guest.**

_**'I have a headcannon where Diamonds constantly (and secretly) fixes the others' goof-ups'**_

**This is actually one my head canons and I see it in a lot of fanfiction of these guys so glad you picked it. Yeah sorry for the crappy chapter today. Making an even better chapter next. **

**Next chapter: Cooking**

**I do not own The Midnight Crew or Homestuck**. Please review your head canons.


	5. Cooking

Diamonds scans over the contents of his newspaper. It was currently five o' clock and Diamonds was devoted to one thing right now. One thought that he says to himself over and over gain each night but he always ends up ignoring in the end. He was not cooking tonight.

When the crew formed and started living together Diamonds found out that none of the others knew how to cook. Spades was notorious for burning anything he tries to cook. Diamonds still doesn't know how he manages it but he always sets his cerial on fire. Something about how it isn't crispy enough.

So when the crew realized that that Diamonds was actually a pretty good cook they constantly dumped the job of cooking meal on him much to his annoyance. Recently he has been showing defiance for these last couple of days. He believes that every proper gentlemen should be able to cook and he wishes for the crew to become proper gentlemen (although that might be close to impossible). So when they ask him what's for dinner or breakfast he's been replying with a 'Go cook it yourself.'

No matter how many times he tells them that he wasn't cooking they still can't get it in their head and are constantly asking him. Diamonds got to admit though, it's pretty frustrating watching them fail at cooking.

"Hey Diamonds! I'm fuckin' starvin'! Where da' fuck is dinner at?", Spades asks Diamonds in irritation.

"Go make it yourself."

"No! Come on Diamonds make dinner!"

"No."

He growls. Diamonds expected him to stomp off and go have a temper-tantrum in his room but he stays standing right next to you.

"Diamonds get your lazy ass up and cook dinner!", He says.

"Diamonds I'm suuuper hungry!", A voice says. He looks behind him to see Clubs standing behing the couch on his tippy-toes so you can barely see his pleading eyes looking at him.

"No Clubs.", he says. He almost feels bad for saying no to Clubs. He acts like a little kid so much that you always find yourself thinking of him as one and he doesn't imagine little kids can cook. But since he's Diamonds Droog and he doesn't feel bad for anyone he just says no.

"Pwetty pwease!", He says in an attempt to win you over with his absolute adorablness. God dammit he's adorable but you convinced yourself to not give in so you just ignore the stream of profanity coming from Spades and Clubs innocently trying to convince you.

"We're going to starve Droog!"

"YOU FUCKING STUPID IGNORANT CUNT! Come on,make me food!"

"Diamonds I tried to make dinner but I keep breaking the eggs! Can you make dinner?"

Oh great, now Hearts has joined in. He tries to block out their voices (especially Spades) and focus on the text on his newspaper but it is pretty urking with the loud voices directed at him.

"Fine!", He finally says as he get up from the couch and puts his newspaper down.

"Yipee!"

"Thanks Diamonds!"

"I knew you'd do it ya' stupid cunt!"

Diamonds sighs as he stalks to the kitchen in anger. It looks like cooking is still going to be his job for a long time.

**There's another chapter. For those of you who are wondering I plan to make this at least twenty chapters and most likely more.**

**This chapter's headcanon suggested by KilTheCreep (seriously guys get your headcanons in. Can't keep getting head canons from only one person.)**

**"**_**-Diamonds is the one that cooks for the others"**_

**REMEMBER TO REVIEW YOUR HEAD CANONS.**

**I do not own The Midnight Crew or Homestuck**


	6. Hate Notes

"Hey Diamonds!", Clubs says as he runs up to Diamonds with two notes in his hand.

"What?", Diamonds asks the little guy as he smokes his cigarette smoothly.

"Spades left you a note!" he says as he stands on his tippy toes and hands Diamonds the note. Diamonds looks at the note and isn't really suprised at what it says.

_"Dear Dreadful Dick (Aka Diamonds),_

_I would just like to remind how horrible you are and how yesterday's dinner fucking sucked. Seriously, who the fuck makes brusselsprouts? Do you even like those fucking nasty things? If you say yes then as soon as I get back I'm seriously fucking driving you to the emergency room to see what kind of serious disease you have in that small brain of yours (if you even have a brain). Anyways make something fucking better next time._

_Get it right,_

_-Spades Slick"_

He shakes his head distastefully at the letter full of profanity and puts it in the trash can. Spades can be such a baby sometimes. Spades is always giving Diamonds or the other crew members letters like these when he's busy and doesn't have time to yell at them.

They just find them pretty amusing though.

**Well there's another chapter. I plan to make a lot today and tomorrow since I don't have school so expect to find more.**

**This chapters headcanon suggested by: NefariousAquarius **

_**You want headcannons, then get ready! When Spades doesn't have time to yell at people he leaves hate notes around sorta like Dad Egbert.**_

**I do not own Homestuck or The Midnight Crew.**


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